If you haven’t determined this already, I’m a bit of a worrier. There’s no limit to the things I worry about on a daily basis. Before I even knew about my problem, my mother would withhold certain information to keep me functioning.
Worrying is the main inhibitor of my creativity because I always see the negative consequences. In every situation. From my writing to something I say, I examine everything that can go wrong and worry more. It’s ridiculous.
As a child, I used my imagination as an escape from everything in life that worried me. I would gather my toys and create worlds and universes where things would go wrong, but they would always get better. I would recreate my troubles through my toys and subsequently solve them.
This continues to be a coping mechanism even into my adult life. It’s almost embarrassing to admit, but I still spend time each day dreaming of a life I don’t have where things go right and my problems work out and everything is happy. Surprisingly, it doesn’t make me sad or give me false hope about reality. It just helps me.
Unfortunately, there is one area where I can’t simply think my way into a new scenario.
Nature is one of the greatest gifts from God in my opinion. It’s constantly changing and becoming even more beautiful. Stellar Kart even has a line in one of their songs that adequately expresses my thoughts on nature:
“All around me Your creation brings me to my knees in adoration.”
Now you’d think that I’m about to discuss how a beautiful sunrise makes my cares go away and I’m enraptured. How the beauty of the ocean at dusk with the waves softly rolling against the white beach causes me to explode with wonderful ideas. How driving with the windows down during a summer evening with the right song playing makes me invincible.
While I enjoy everything listed, nature does something more than amaze me. It terrifies me. Growing up, I loved every horror movie you could throw at me. I don’t care how much blood or how many victims. They just didn’t scare me because I knew it was pretend. A killer wasn’t going to come through my dreams and kill me while I was asleep. In my opinion, my fears are much more practical.
I can’t watch Twister without hearing every gust of wind and thinking an F5 was about to rip my house apart. After I saw Dantes Peak I spent the next year of my life terrified lava was going to roll through my bedroom. Don’t even get me started on movies like Deep Impact and The Day After Tomorrow.
If I wanted to, I could list a thousand more movies that I can’t watch past a certain point in the day. It’s simple- acts of nature that can actually happen cause me to panic. I spend most of my time thinking of ways of escape or shelter in every situation. This line of thinking always leads me to believe that the worst has happened.
When I went to Cancun last March, I worried every day that a tidal wave would come sweeping across the beach and destroy the resort I was staying in. I still had a lot of fun, but the fears are never silent. [Unrelated but it was the Friday I left Cancun that Japan experiences the earthquake and tidal wave.]
I’ve been this way ever since I was a child. Every day that we learned about volcanoes and other natural disasters in school was a day I didn’t want to go. You’re probably going to think I’m crazy after reading this, but I think I function fairly well considering my overwhelming fears.
Most of the time, I’m completely fine. Yeah, things still scare me, but overall no big deal. Other times, it hits me and I can’t function. I will lie in bed terrified of everything that can go wrong and convince myself that the world is going to end before the next morning. This is a crazy view, but it helps to increase my belief that every single day is a miracle.
When I was younger, the fear would get so bad the only thing I could do was take my blanket and pillow into my parents’ bedroom and sleep on the floor. And clutch my toy dog Scruffy (my best friend and confidante since age three).
Because I’m now an adult, I cope without my parents. When it gets so bad that I can’t focus on anything except lying in my bed and panicking, I talk to God. I know this is technically praying, but I’m not really asking for anything or inquiring about anything. It’s really just a conversation.
I talk to God about my fears and how I know I’m ridiculous, and I thank Him profusely for allowing me to be alive each and every day. And I tell Him I’ll continue to do my best with the gifts He gave me because I know without Him, my gifts are wasted.
Typically, after a while I’ll fall asleep peacefully and sleep without nightmares. I don’t think God is mad that I fall asleep on Him though, considering He knew it was going to happen.
I also watch movies when I’m scared. Watching other peoples’ lives unfold in a mostly positive manner helps me realize it’s going to be ok. Sometimes, I don’t even change the movie. I’ll watch the same one over and over because it helps.
Eventually, after a few days, the panic is gone and I’m a normal functioning human. I’ve become significantly better. I can’t even remember the last time this affected me. Apparently, my coping methods are effective.
The point of this is simple- my imagination is awesome but overactive. It is not only good for creation, but also destruction of my sanity. I recognize this and often when I feel my imagination fighting against me, I retaliate and think positively and talk to God.
Maybe one week I’ll blog about things that strictly make me creative, not things that cause me to lack a creative spirit.